A Parody of A Story We Haven't Written Yet
by Elyse and Olivia
Summary: Ron is upset. Very upset.


PART ONE  
  
Harry Potter was surrounded by a flock of Hogwarts' girls, all of whom were wishing him a Merry Christmas.  
  
"But it's not Christmas for another two weeks, and you've been wishing me a Merry Christmas since... Thanksgiving!" Harry objected.  
  
"He's SO intelligent!" They giggled and scattered away. Ron Weasley watched from his usual spot at the lunch table. He glowered in Harry's general direction.  
  
"Of course," he muttered under his breath. "Everyone loves Harry and that adorable little disfigurement on his forehead."  
  
"And his ebony hair!" Ginny swooned, strolling past Ron.  
  
"And his wonderful smile!" Another girl commented.  
  
"And his great hygiene!" A first year squeaked excitedly.  
  
Ron growled and sniffed at his armpit. It wasn't so bad...  
  
"His green eyes!"  
  
"His cute nose!"  
  
"And his shoes!"  
  
Shouts arose from around the room, and Harry took his place next to Ron at the lunch table.  
  
"Shut UP!? You have a shoe fetish?" Ron yelled, and Hermione gave him a reproachful look.  
  
Harry, oblivious to all of this, sat down with his plate of spinach soufflé. "Hey mates."  
  
Ron put on a big, fake grin. "Hi Harry."  
  
Suddenly a roar rose from the table behind them. A girl turned around and poked Ron in the back. "Your brothers are SO funny!" Ron's face turned very red.  
  
They ate their lunch as usual, but when they were done, Harry had a huge nasty piece of spinach protruding from his perfect teeth, which were shiny and straight even though the dental care is terrible in England. Ron snickered, glad to see that Harry's face had become imperfect. He decided not to tell Harry about the green thing sticking from his tooth.  
  
"Oh Harry, you have spinach sticking from your teeth. Here, have a toothpick." Hermione fumbled through her bag.  
  
"I need a toothpick, too," Ron blurted. "Why doesn't anyone offer ME a toothpick?"  
  
Hermione cleared her throat. "Because you don't have half your lunch sticking between your teeth, Ron."  
  
"And 'cos we don't wanna see your yellow choppers!" Harry cracked distractedly, not realizing this would offend Ron. Hermione giggled.  
  
"Oops, only one toothpick left. Here, Harry," she handed Harry a small, pointed piece of wood with which to clean his teeth. This was the last straw for Ron. He began to shake and his already red face turned slightly purple, like Harry's Uncle Vernon.  
  
"Why does HARRY get the LAST TOOTHPICK?" Ron screamed, jumping up.  
  
"Because you don't need it," Hermione explained patiently. "I don't see a single piece of food in your teeth."  
  
Ron was indignant. "There is a TON of food stuck in my teeth. I NEED THAT TOOTHPICK!!! You GAVE it to HARRY!" Ron began wheezing from yelling so much, but he continued, spitting in Hermione's face as he talked. "Look here," Ron pointed in his mouth.  
  
"That's a filling, Ron. You've got 14 of those." Harry pointed out.  
  
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I hate you! You and Hermione have fun with that last toothpick, because I won't be around to bug you! I can't stand it aymore!" With that, Ron stormed out of the cafeteria. As he disappeared around the corner, Fred and George began clapping.  
  
"Did Ron just go nutty over a cheap piece of wood?" Harry asked, confused.  
  
"Oh look," said Hermione. "Here's another toothpick. It just got stuck at the bottom of the box." They shrugged and turned back to their food.  
  
***  
  
Hours later, in the common room, Harry was playing chess with Hermione. Without warning, Ron burst into the room, narrowly missing the beautifully decorated Christmas tree that was sitting in front of the fireplace.  
  
"Hey toothpick boy," Harry called jollily. "Hermione found--"  
  
"Shut up, you disfigured freak!" Ron snapped. Harry looked geniunely hurt at the stab at his own good looks.   
  
"Now Ron, that wasn't very nice."  
  
"Oh, and he calls me TOOTHPICK boy, it's just plain funny. And when you give HIM the last toothpick, it's HILARIOUS! Oh boy, lookie, Harry's got a cute little piece of dog poop stuck between his teeth! I will aid him in getting it out!" Ron flailed his arms so wildly that he lost his balance and toppled into the giant Christmas tree. It teetered dangerously-- everyone in the room held their breath. Then it hit the ground unceremoniously, pinning Ron underneath. Ron gasped for air, chanting curses at Harry under his breath.  
  
Everyone rushed forward. Ron felt a surge of satifaction because they all cared, but soon he realized they were muttering soothing words to the Christmas tree, not him. Hermione looked like she was going to cry.   
  
"Oh the poor thing! It took seven hours to decorate!"  
  
Ron choked. "I-- can't--- breathe..."  
  
"God, Ron, you jerk! You knocked over the Christmas tree. Oh, but look, good, it's fine." They tipped the Christmas tree to an upright position and resumed what they were previously occupied with.  
  
Harry looked slightly distraught. Everyone rushed towards him, concerned.  
  
"Oh Harry, are you alright? It's okay, the Christmas tree is fine. Does your scar pain you?"  
  
Kerri Schultz, a sixth year, was hanging on particularly more than the others. Ron felt yet another surge of jealousy. Harry got ALL the pretty girls.  
  
Everyone forgot about Harry, as he was preoccupied with Kerri, and when Ron glanced at him seven minutes later, Kerri appeared to be sucking his lips off his face. Ron scowled and stormed back to his room to sulk.  
  
END PART ONE  
  



End file.
